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Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Will You Be My Girlfriend?

Say yes.
Quiet Thrills

`When she says 'yum in my tum.' So cute.

`When she's goodmoody.

`Being able to tell because her voice/tone changes completely.

`The fact that she woke me up at 7am, and then as soon as I woke up, she told me to go back to sleep.

`And then falling asleep on me after a while, which caused me to fall asleep.

`Listening to her friends talk about funny Facebook pranks.

`Very slight movements in her sleep -- her chest rise and fall, or her head moving up and down slightly with each breath, cute sleep-facial-expressions.

`Her baby hair.

`When she's close enough that I could possibly try to count her eyelashes.

`When she told me to read her my quiet thrills.
`This...
Lizzurd: Can I use your computer real quick?
Me: Yeah sure. Hold on.
Lizzurd: *gets closer*
Me: HOLD ON!
Lizzurd: Don't worry! I don't want to see LL sleeping.
Then she uses my computer
Lizzurd: Can she see me? *makes funny faces*
Me: If she wakes up, she can.
Lizzurd: I don't want to scare her!
Me: If I woke up to your face, I'd be scared too. But it'd be funny if she thought I suddenly turned into you.
Lizzurd: She'll know it's not you, I'm not Asian enough.

`Her trying to distract me. [All the different ways... asking me what song I'm playing, who it's by, trying to make me smile/laugh, telling me to do random stuff.]
`When she's all frustrated. So cute.

`The way she does things her way and just takes matters into her own hands, like flat out asking.

`How she tries to take it back... no way!

`When she says my name, which is really rare.

`Pretty much everything she calls me, except 'weirdo' today. [Includes fatty and dorky.]

`When she was lying down, smiling, and she looked genuinely happy/content [which made me really happy].

`Sleeping outside so I could talk to her. [And so I wouldn't bother my roommate.]

`'Jellyhead.' [Only because she came up with it herself.]

`When she's all demanding about me quiet-thrill-ing. 'NOW!'

Monday, 16 March 2009

Skype

Me [3/16/2009 11:48:16pm]: i love you
Me [3/16/2009 11:48:21pm]: and i love when you distract me

Sunday, 15 March 2009

Sorry

They say people who are in love don’t need to say ‘Sorry.’ When I first heard that, I laughed. I believed that it was so untrue. For some reason, I kinda believe it now. I can go all my life without hearing You say “I’m sorry.” I usually don’t want to hear it after You say. Even before You say it at times, I don’t want/need to hear it.
I believe that there are some things that loved ones should say sorry for, but if they really loved, they wouldn’t say it in the first say. There are some things I never said because I believed that if I loved this person, I’d never say it. For a brief moment, I might think it on impulse, but I don’t mean it. I control what I say.
Hearing “I’m sorry” usually makes me feel worse. I don’t know why. In a way, it helps because it shows that this person is sorry, but at the same time, it’s not what I want to hear. I want this person to show that they’re sorry. So for me, I don’t really need to hear “I’m sorry” as long as they show it.
But I understand that not everyone believes the same things that I do. So I say “I’m sorry” when I feel like I’ve done something wrong.
When You say, “I’m sorry.” I instantly get worried. I’m scared You’re going to leave. I’m scared that it’s the end. Because the first time, You said “I’m sorry,” You were leaving me.
I’m sorry for being so confusing. I’m sorry for doubting. I’m sorry for all the things that hurt You. I’m sorry for all the things that make You sad. And I try to not do these things, but I’m human. I can’t not make a mistake.
Why do I feel like I always handle everything so damn wrong.
I seriously don’t know what I’m doing now. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know where we’ll end up.
I hate when You leave.
And especially when we’re not good. Then I really doubt/start to panic. [Not really like a panic attack. But I just lose my head. My emotions go on and off between really apathetic to really involved.]
I’m so confused. I’m so confused. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think.
All I know is that I love you. And I love you so much.
And I don’t want to cry now.
‘Sorry,’ Maria Mena.
I hate this. I hate it so much. I hate the way I can be/act sometimes. I don’t even know why I’m doing the things I do. Saying the things I say.
And I can’t even stand to be alone with myself. I feel the need to get away from myself. I shouldn’t be surprised You left. How can You stand me when I can’t even stand myself.
I don’t get this. I don’t understand this feeling. I’m in this place between pain and apathy and it feels like a weak sort of pain. All emotional.
Now, the apathy is taking over. And that’s what I know best. I know how to push tears away so well, it becomes second-nature. Once I push the tears away, apathy automatically takes over something. And I can’t feel anything.
I’m not even thinking about anything at this point. I’m just typing. And I think I’m just going to leave now. I don’t want to be by myself right now.
Maybe I’ll be okay if You don’t love me. Or maybe I’m just letting the apathy take over and talk for me.
Because sometimes, I’d rather feel nothing than feel anything at all.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Delirious

I’ve been slacking on the writing lately. But I’ve been writing You several letters during class. That totally doesn’t make up for it, even though it should. I’ve been trying to send You a lot of messages too, using my own words. But I don’t always do that. Some days, I do. That doesn’t make up for it either, even though it should.
My emotions have been all over the place lately. I don’t know why. Maybe hormones or something. I’ve been super moody and bitchy these past few days. [Probably the monthlies. Okay, that’s totally the reason but I don’t want to admit it.]
Don’t get me wrong though, how I feel about You is constant. It’s never affected in a negative way. It only grows more and more every day. I love you so much.
I want You.
I want to be with You.
I want to be with You.
I want to be with You.
That doesn’t change. But I think I started to overanalyze it and I guess looking at other perspectives, I can see why us being together right now wouldn’t be the best thing. There’s probably more than a handful of reasons why we shouldn’t be together right now. But really, there’s just one reason why we should.
The reason why we should be together is because we both love each other.
[That felt like a really bold statement because I don’t know for sure that You loving me is enough of a reason for us to be together. But for sure, the fact that I love You is definitely a good reason as to why we should be together if You want it too. I don’t think that made any sense.
Nothing I say right now is going to make sense because I’m nearly deliriously tired. I’m running on 4 hours of sleep. Slept at 4:30am-ish, woke up at 8:45am-ish, no naps all day. And now it is 3:11am. So I’ve been up for almost 24 hours. In about 15 minutes, it’ll be 23 hours. I’m kindasorta insanely sleepy, but I figured I really needed to pick up writing to You again. So I’m being ‘proactive’ as You said. Not about the asking You thing, but about other important things.
Plus I’m trying to stay up until You wake up so I can say hi. And then I’d go to sleep. I don’t think I can stay up much longer.
I still don’t know about the whole asking You thing. I want to. OF COURSE, I want to. I’m just scared. I don’t know why. I don’t want things to change. I love the way we are right now. We’re so perfect. You’re so perfect. I love You. I love it all. I love everything about You.
I just don’t know how to ask. I don’t know how to be cute. I don’t know what You think is cute.
I thought the lighter idea would be a good idea because it’d show You that I don’t want to change You. Like I just said, I love You exactly the way You are.]
I love You.
With all my heart.