They say people who are in love don’t need to say ‘Sorry.’ When I first heard that, I laughed. I believed that it was so untrue. For some reason, I kinda believe it now. I can go all my life without hearing You say “I’m sorry.” I usually don’t want to hear it after You say. Even before You say it at times, I don’t want/need to hear it.

I believe that there are some things that loved ones should say sorry for, but if they really loved, they wouldn’t say it in the first say. There are some things I never said because I believed that if I loved this person, I’d never say it. For a brief moment, I might think it on impulse, but I don’t mean it. I control what I say.

Hearing “I’m sorry” usually makes me feel worse. I don’t know why. In a way, it helps because it shows that this person is sorry, but at the same time, it’s not what I want to hear. I want this person to show that they’re sorry. So for me, I don’t really need to hear “I’m sorry” as long as they show it.

But I understand that not everyone believes the same things that I do. So I say “I’m sorry” when I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

When You say, “I’m sorry.” I instantly get worried. I’m scared You’re going to leave. I’m scared that it’s the end. Because the first time, You said “I’m sorry,” You were leaving me.

I’m sorry for being so confusing. I’m sorry for doubting. I’m sorry for all the things that hurt You. I’m sorry for all the things that make You sad. And I try to not do these things, but I’m human. I can’t not make a mistake.

Why do I feel like I always handle everything so damn wrong.

I seriously don’t know what I’m doing now. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know where we’ll end up.

I hate when You leave.

And especially when we’re not good. Then I really doubt/start to panic. [Not really like a panic attack. But I just lose my head. My emotions go on and off between really apathetic to really involved.]

I’m so confused. I’m so confused. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think.

All I know is that I love you. And I love you so much.

And I don’t want to cry now.

‘Sorry,’ Maria Mena.

I hate this. I hate it so much. I hate the way I can be/act sometimes. I don’t even know why I’m doing the things I do. Saying the things I say.

And I can’t even stand to be alone with myself. I feel the need to get away from myself. I shouldn’t be surprised You left. How can You stand me when I can’t even stand myself.

I don’t get this. I don’t understand this feeling. I’m in this place between pain and apathy and it feels like a weak sort of pain. All emotional.

Now, the apathy is taking over. And that’s what I know best. I know how to push tears away so well, it becomes second-nature. Once I push the tears away, apathy automatically takes over something. And I can’t feel anything.

I’m not even thinking about anything at this point. I’m just typing. And I think I’m just going to leave now. I don’t want to be by myself right now.

Maybe I’ll be okay if You don’t love me. Or maybe I’m just letting the apathy take over and talk for me.

Because sometimes, I’d rather feel nothing than feel anything at all.